Not with Haste my Sister, my Bride.

I imagine it feels much like the sharp, explosive snap of a bolt of lightning and its accompanying thunderclap. I've never believed the stories of how it comes out of the blue, without warning or reason; yet, here it is. The shock of the moment is still crisp in my memory. My brain reeled, trying to keep up with events as they began to unfold. My heart escaped me; my senses seemed to become overwhelmed. The air itself seemed to crackle with a raw and primordial power. It was in the glance of her eye, the softness of her voice; as swift as a lightning strike, my heart was made captive. 

The next few weeks were torturous, even as they excited me. With every conversation, with every encounter, my heart become ever-more the captive. A woman who models Proverbs 31, who delights in her blessed Mother, and adores her Son. Despite myself, for reasons unbeknownst to me, she has chosen to give me a chance at honoring and protecting her heart. To say I am humbled is an understatement.

Here is woman who not only believes and practices the same faith I profess, but even thinks of many of the same things, musing on what many would consider awkward. She also challenges me to respect and uphold her dignity; calling out of me a nobility I did not know I was capable of. But of course, there is also the tension of my desires, good insofar as they are; yet, still tainted by the fall.

This remarkable turn of events has left me contemplating the movements of my heart. In that contemplation, two songs have been my focus these last few weeks; Song of Songs, especially 4:9-11, and Not with Haste, by Mumford and Sons.

The words that really ring out are the last words of Mumford’s Not with Haste, acknowledging the distinction of being able to love deeply and passionately, while not rushing into the hasty, distracting and destructive allure of lust. Pope John Paul II would have called this the proper integration of Eros and Agape; what Christopher West would liken to a rocket ship: great explosive power that can lead someone up into the heavens; or to self-destruction if not properly aligned. 

As I enter into a deeper relationship with this remarkable woman, my constant fear is that I will hurt her in some way; fail to protect her. Not from the external hazards, but from the interior battle that rages in my heart. This is perhaps the most acutely aware of the body-soul dichotomy I have ever been; a willing spirit and failing flesh. I know that in my heart-of-hearts my desire is to protect, cherish and honor this amazing woman; and it is precisely through that desire that I wish to bless and affirm her through the gift of physical intimacy. But I also know that touch is often a source of temptation for me. So where does that leave me? With good intentions and repression issues? 

Christopher West always talks about "not emptying the cross of its power." I, for one, take claim of that statement. Scripture shows us what a properly integrated eros and agape look like in the midst of a romantic relationship.  

The Song of Song is an erotic love poem between two lovers. But in this exchange of affection and erotic imagery, the groom says something odd to the bride, he calls her "sister," though they are not related. Christopher West explains that by first acknowledging her as sister, the groom is espousing a desire for the woman that, while erotic, is not lustful. As one would obviously not lust over their own sister, the groom is acknowledging the deep dignity of the other, and is initiating the gift of his Love; not the curse of his lust. 

Now, i'm not suggesting I should just jump into physical intimacy, or even flirt with that line, but I am claiming that, for Christians, there is something more then repressed desire and awkward side hugs. For the Christian, there is more then an abandonment to lust and the emptiness that follows. I have to believe that as I continue to discern and enter into relationship with this beautiful woman, that there can be a healing of my fallen desires; allowing me to give myself ever-more freely as a gift to her.

My hope is that I, if it is God's will, might one day be able to look this lady in the eyes and proclaim, "How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride; how much more delightful is your love than wine." But until that day, the constant and rewarding struggle of subverting eros to agape is my lot. 

I don't believe this blog has any readers: I don't blame you, seeing as we hardly contribute to this blog. But if you do, please pray for all those who are dating, discerning vocations to marriage, or living in their vocations as a single person: That the Lord will help us all to become chase of heart, urgent in love, and patient with our desires. 

Facebook and Relationships - A lot like Beer and Juggling Daggers.

I’ve been a Youth Minister, a seminarian, and a student. I like Jesus, the Catholic Church, beer, wine, friends, billiards, and video games. I have several favorite books and TV shows I love to watch oh-so-much. I like to sing, to act, and to do Karaoke; and I have pictures to prove it. I’ve been hiking, kayaking, to Rome and back, and I like to show off my wit (or lack thereof) as often as the opportunity presents itself; all this you can come to know in about 5 minutes browsing my Facebook page. I know FB has been getting a lot of slack lately, which is probably what inspired me to commit these thoughts to a blog no one reads, and it’s made me ponder how FB has affected me when it comes to relationships of an intimate nature. My findings, after a solid 15 minutes of deep and profound thought, is that FB has the potential of hampering our ability to be authentic with others, damaged our ability to communicate, and tainted our perception of beauty and fulfillment.

"In the end I portray a character..."

 I am significantly more than a collection of quotes, interest and past experiences. Yet as I create my online persona, even if I draw from true aspects of my lives, I tend to never mention the uglier parts of myself – the fact that I have glaring insecurities, doubts and struggles in my faith, weaknesses, pet-peeves and idiosyncrasies. The danger here is that I can start to feel pressured to uphold the online façade I have created; while at the same time, I hide and repress the parts of myself I wouldn’t care to mention. In the end I portray a character, and not the complex person that I am. A video I recently watched, Innovation ofLoneliness, explained it as “I share, therefor I am.”

What the video also captures is the paradox created by being overly connected, but not experiencing authentic community. Likewise, I find that Facebook, texting, and other forms of “instant” text based communication can really take a toll in our ability to communicate with one another. Look at any young relationship today, I am willing to bet that 70% of most relationships are started through the exchanging of texts or messages. Where is the problem in this? We become proficient in pausing, editing, and crafting “perfect” responses – responses that falsely represent who we are when in genuine conversation. The effect is awkward, shallow exchanges of conversation when you finally encounter a person face-to-face, and general uneasiness if conversation shifts into silence.

"often portraying unrealistic...beauty..."

Perhaps the most affected is my perception of beauty. I become so obsessed with what “others” are posting, the forced experiences, the perfectly angled photographs, the supposed exotic or novel locations, I continuously feel like I am becoming socially inept, or at the very least, uncool. I have become remarkably self-conscious and selective in photographs of myself, ever weary of the image I have fostered over the years. I become ever more critical of the photographs of others, often portraying unrealistic examples of beauty, or over sexed images. The net effect is a ravishing and desolation of our appetites; and what we find existing in nature no longer is able to satisfy.

So where does this leave me? In short, gimped. While Facebook is not fully to blame, of course, I wonder how different it would be to live in a time without Facebook. As I approach a friend, perhaps a girl that I would like know more intimately, how great would it be not to have the hundreds-of-thousands of “perfect” images of other women bouncing around in my head, how great would it be not to have to live up to a profile-persona that has slowly constricted my personally to only those parts I find worthy to share, how great would it be to enter into an authentic conversation with an individual, expressing the fullness of my humanity, and not just the neat little corner I’ve prepared for public view?
I will end this discombobulated, uninformative rant with this: In all this I have a deep, burning desire: to love fully, and be fully loved. To bring glory to God by being “a man fully alive.” 

Love, or Something Like It.

First, I would like to apologize to the internet for not posting blogs on our blog site. We began this blog with noble ideas of weekly contributions, deep and profound thoughts, insightful inquiries and epic dialog. We have delivered none of that; nor can I promise that we soon will! However, since no one likely has read are meager thoughts, I do not believe we've offended anyone.

Second, If profound thought or mind-blowing exegesis is what you're hoping to get from this post, I'm afraid you'll be disappointed. Today's blog is more a (derailed) train of thought then a carefully planned and researched topic of discussion – either way I hope it brings some value to whomever stumbles upon these words.

About two years ago I had a quite debate with an amazing friend of mine. She was of the opinion, at least then, that there was a certain line in the sand that, once crossed, would forever doom you to a life-long friendship; in short, the friend zone. I argued that simply wasn't true. Doesn't everyone always claim they wish to marry their best friend? I've seen plenty of sappy love stories, and without fail every single one of them has some disgustingly sappy line that goes something to the affect of "I'm the luckiest [wo]man in the world; I got to marry my best friend." And despite the fact that I've seen heard that damn line, or a variation of it, a million times, I can't help but feel my heart swell.

I have the unfortunate habit of falling for all my best girlfriends; yeah, I'm that guy. Some of them were foolish enough to knowingly play with my heart, some of them have been wonderful enough to guard my heart – but each and every one of them have, at some point or another, had custody of my heart. I'm never really sure when this transaction occurs; I do know that I hate when it happens. Invariably, each of these amazing young woman have made it clear to me that I am an amazing friend – and that is something I truly am proud of – but it still hurts something fierce.

So I have endeavored to ask the Lord why it is I find myself ever stuffed into the role of "best friend extraordinaire," and never allowed the opportunity to guard and nourish one of these lovely ladies hearts as I wish I could. The answer, or at least the working hypothesis, came to me when discussing this phenomenon with the aforementioned friend. This particular friend has, especially in recent days, been a great source of consolation for me. She, like many of my wonderful friends, had once unwittingly been victim to my absurd crushes. If you ever had the opportunity to meet her, I believe you'd understand. First off, gents, she is holy. I don't care what anyone says, nothing is more attractive than a woman who strives after the heart of Jesus. Oh I admit that girls who wear shreds of fabric they call cloths can certainly be distracting, but it's just fool's gold (Just ask Steve Carell, them girls be CRAZY!) 

A girl who seeks the heart of Jesus however, is a treasure; rare and beautiful. Throw in a mischievous sense of humor, a well-grounded personality, a genuine love for (most) people, a little catholic guilt, the soul of an adventurer and the fact that she is amazingly beautiful, and it's a time bomb just waiting to explode. Luckily, this particular friend was conscience enough of the need to protect her heart and the hearts of others by firmly establishing the extent to which our relationship would go – and I guess I won't complain much, she's an amazing friend to have in my corner – but I digress.

<--- Now that's more like it.

As I talked through some drama that I had been experiencing in my life, and as she patiently listened and offered advice, it occurred to me, while I ruthlessly squashed some stray romantic notions, that the reason I so easily find myself giving these ladies my heart is because of how authentic they are. Perhaps more importantly, because of how rarely I enter into authentic and fully open relationships with the women in my life, I tend to attach great emotional significance to the ones that allow me to be myself without making me feel judged or weighted.

So very few woman allow themselves to be authentic that those few that are tend to be bright lights in a field of dimly flickering candles. Is it any wonder I find myself helplessly drawn to these strong and spirited women? I believe not. And while none of these good friends of mine have, or are likely, to give me their hearts – I have realized that they offer me great opportunities. I can practice loving them wholly and authentically, giving my gifts to them unreservedly and without expectation of return. As I practice the art of Loving the way Christ does, perhaps one day, when I finally meet the woman I will call my wife, I can be as great a gift to her as these ladies are to me.


I guess the take away from all of this is this: ladies, be brave enough to be your authentic self. Don't fret over the judgments of others, or the opinions of men. Seek Jesus with your whole heart - seek the love story he is writing for you. Men, don't be discouraged when a woman of great value doesn't necessarily return your affections. Let this become an opportunity to practice loving in purity and chastity, let this be a practice in self-sacrifice, and let this be a practice of sustaining and nurturing a healthy and life-affirming friendship. One day the Lord will lead us to our vocations. Until that day, train and condition your heart for Love.


To you un-named wonders, Thank you for being so love-able. Thank you for allowing Christ to bring out your true beauty, and thank you for your unapologetic devotion to the Lord, to being you, and yes, to not dating me (though I'd be just as thankful if you changed your mind, just saying). As much as it might hurt at times – I am thankful for the blessings you give me through the amazing friendships you provide!

Some quotes, In case you are still reading.

"Friendship, as has been said, consists in a full commitment of the will to another person with a view to that person's good." – Blessed John Paul II, the Great

    Love consists of a commitment which limits one's freedom – it is a giving of the self, and to give     oneself means just that: to limit one's freedom on behalf of another."
    – Blessed John Paul II, the Great

Do not abandon yourselves to despair. We are the Easter people and Hallelujah is our song. – Blessed John Paul II, the Great

    Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it. – Blessed John Paul II, the Great
    Freedom consists not in doing what we like, but in having the right to do what we ought.
    – Blessed John Paul II, the Great

 

Making a Splash?

In preparing to write my first blog, I considered long and hard what I would want to write about. Parts of me choose this subject because, frankly, I wanted to make a splash. But more to the point: this is a subject I truly feel passionate about. It is very hard to go anywhere these days without getting to know at least a few people who struggle with homosexuality. Through my work as a Youth Minister, I've encountered several young men and women who are confused about their sexual identity, who are seeking, like all human beings, for love and affirmation; a deep soul connection with another person. In my personal life, I have no less then three friends who are openly homosexual and live homosexual life styles. And while I understand their deep seated desire for love, acceptance and affirmation, I also see the damage that their relationships cause them and others. This conversation is one that is remarkably emotionally charged for many. The topic of homosexuality, and the Church’s stance, is one that is misunderstood by many, confused by the society, and even blatantly (and erroneously) attacked by a few.

My goal for this brief blog, which by its very nature will not be a sufficient argument, is to discuss what the Church is accused of, in regards to its stance against homosexuality, what it actually teaches (to a limited degree since I am of limited knowledge), and explain the “why” behind the “what.”

Where is the tolerance of differing ideas and Creeds?

Perhaps the most common argument against the Catholic Church is that she, and her people, hate homosexuals. Often citing the Church’s unwavering stance against homosexuality, and fueled by inflamed-rhetoric. They are quick to accuse the Church of being intolerant or out dated.

The Church Hates Gays?

Archbishop Fulton Sheen once said that, "There are not more than 100 people in the world who truly hate the Catholic Church, but there are millions who hate what they perceive to be the Catholic Church.” These words could not be truer in regards to the unfounded belief that Catholics hate homosexuals.  The Church has stated that it is “deplorable that homosexual persons have been and are the object of violent malice in speech or in action. Such treatment deserves condemnation from the Church’s pastors wherever it occurs.”[1] She goes on to call attention to the fact that “the intrinsic dignity of each person,” homosexual or heterosexual, “must always be respected in word, in action and in law.”[2] 

Furthermore, the Church’s ministry to homosexuals is not one of hatred or un-acceptance; it is, in fact, the most loving and fully accepting approach of the subject that any other organization employees.  While many try to argue that homosexuality is akin to compulsive, uncontrollable acts of erotic desire, the Church boldly stands against such “demeaning assumptions.” Instead the Church knows it is “essential … that the fundamental liberty which characterizes the human person[,] and gives him his dignity[,] be recognized as belonging to the homosexual person as well.”[3] In other words, the Church would never be so crass or unloving as to deny someone his or her humanity. To claim that all homosexual tendencies are compulsory, by its very nature, takes out any chance of such novel ideas such as Love. At the same time, she does not waiver from her stance. The Church teaches that the homosexual act is “intrinsically disordered,”[4] and that even its inclination is seen as “an objective disorder.”[5] But why? Why does the Church take this, seemingly hurtful, stance? The Church teaches against homosexuality because, “as in every moral disorder, homosexual activity prevents one’s own fulfillment and happiness by acting contrary to the creative wisdom of God.”[6]

This could be best broken down by Steve Gershom, a “Gay Catholic man in his late twenties,”[7] who surmised the Church’s teaching against homosexuality by saying:

Steve Gershom

Is it hard to be gay and Catholic? Yes, because like everybody, I sometimes want things that are not good for me. The Church doesn't let me have those things, not because she's mean, but because she's a good mother. If my son or daughter wanted to eat sand I'd tell them: that's not what eating is for; it won't nourish you; it will hurt you. Maybe my daughter has some kind of condition that makes her like sand better than food, but I still wouldn't let her eat it. Actually, if she was young or stubborn enough, I might not be able to reason with her -- I might just have to make a rule against eating sand. Even if she thought I was mean.[8]

Steve, in living with his tendencies towards homosexuality, has lived and realized the authentic life-giving gift of the Catholic Church.  He knows that any other well from which he could draw from will leave him empty and unsatisfied. He knows that his satisfaction can come only from God.

I will expand on some other points in the future, but for now I will leave you with a few closing thoughts. The world we live in today is one of quick and fleeting pleasures. It is the all consuming force which drives our economy, and sadly, many of us try to find our own self worth and happiness in this ever shifting materialistic landscape. In the midst of this Chaos, the Church stands as a stable, unwavering bulwark of Faith. She teaches truth, regardless of how popular that maybe. Her goal is at once simple yet daunting: to bring true joy and happiness to each child of God. But, like Steve pointed out, sometimes she must stand strictly against a false teaching, especially when her children refuse to learn or understand the truth of a situation. But as a good mother, precisely in Her stern reproach, there is always a warm embrace, always the right path that She desperately wishes to guide us on – not for Her own sake, not for God’s sake, but for our own. I would strongly recommend reading Steve’s blog, it’s a fantastic read. And, more importantly, a brave and much needed point of view from a gay man living his life (joyfully) as a Catholic.

For the exact blog I’ve referenced above, click here. For his blog web site, click here.
for the Vatican document I’ve cited, Click here.

Bibliography

Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. (1 October 1986). Letter to the Bishops of

The Catholic Church on the Pastoral Care of Homosexual Persons.  Retrieved

From http://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/congregations/cfaith/documents/rc_con_cfaith_doc_19861001_homosexual-persons_en.html

Gershome, Steve. (2011, July 12).  Gay, Catholic, and Doing Fine.  Little Catholic

Bubble. Retrieved from

http://littlecatholicbubble.blogspot.com/2011/07/gay-catholic-and-doing-

fine.html

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[1] Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (CDF).

[2] CDF.

[3] Ibid.

[4] Ibid.

[5] Ibid.

[6] Ibid.

[7] Gershome

[8] Gershome